Fail

So this blog came about four days too late as I have, to my roommates predictions, folded on my personal "no shave December" endeavor within a week of the official announcement.. There are hopes that the facial hair will blossom in due time to compensate for my bloodthirsty receding hairline.. On the plus side, big shout out to the liberal Dream Doctor, Joebama (he has been analyzing my dreams for the last week), for the clutch purchase of the "read my blog" T-shirt at a local thrift store for an impressive bargain of $3.99. i apologize for the short blog, alas I must get back to the studies.
Random Fact:A smerf is the size of Three apples.

Grow a fucking beard you pussy

Quick recap of thanksgiving recess. Quote of the weekend goes to my father who, shortly after my mom shrieked at him with an inferior feminine-witch-mudblood voice insisting that he pop the cork outside, he quickly retorted with a thundering masculine brilliance that sang through all the halls of the humble Uglow manor "HELL NO, I ALWAYS DO THE CORK INSIDE". Shortly after that illustrious display of manhood came the conversation of the weekend. I handsomly award this prestigious happening to my Grandma when she gaveme a serious explanation to why Philadelphia is not sunny after she misinterpreted my reference to the T.V. show.

Me: You know grandma, It's always sunny in philadelphia

Grandma: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO it is NOT! let me tell you what.........(40 minute lecture)

Grandma Uhgz makes a chatty kathy sound mute. Though there is no way to prove it, there is no doubt in my mind that that woman holds the world record for the most words spoken out of a mouth in a lifetime, done deal.

As we come upon the last freezing leg of 2008, I have decided to embark on a mission to grow a beard to keep me cozy. I know, I know; Many of you know that I grow measly whiskers that comes no where close to the awesome toughness of a nigerian hair*** but Im going to let it fly anyways and accept whatever nasty shape it may take. I apologize in advance for anyone who has to bear witness to such an offensive item in the flesh. I plan to kick off the new year by liberating my face of any hair below my eyes.

As of today I have entered a new realm of horrible basketball players due to the actions a certain member of the 901 residence whom decided to invite a girl to his IM basketball team before me. For that I am shamed and will hide my face from public exposure for the next 3 days to symbolize my loss of innocence. The nosebleeds are where I belong now.

BREAKING NEWS: According to recent sources I have missed one of Boom's better farts from his liberal bum.

*** Not a racist comment, but rather a shout out to the incredible weezy F. Baby. See lyrics to "A milli" and you will understand.

Seeking Truth, Living with Doubt... the Fun Way

Ok I just want to touch up on this really quick....It's very weird to think I will never be a teenager again, but fuck that weak, sappy shit, its only one more year till 21. Anyways, I was very satisfied with the last two weekends leading into the highly coveted thanksgiving celebration as I sought truth, while living with doubt*, and came across multiple self realizations.

Quite possibly one of the best highlights of my semester came last weekend when a certain Dana Insana's grandfather proceded to call me a "gypsy"after discovering I was indeed a badger fan from Minnesota much like his grand daughter. Instantly after that comment, I realized that I want to be just like that when I am a grandfather when my little gypsies flip the table on me and go to the badger-reject school that is, The University of Minnesota. I pray that the word "gypsy" still circulates the english language when that time comes. This little event showed me that there was indeed still hope in this world.

This last weekends was one of the funnest I have had in a while. It all started on thursday night, and when I put forth my best effort to come up a dirty sentence with the refrigerator word magnets on thursday night in a drunk stupor at one of my friends house. Rumor has it, I spent upwards to an hour assembling words. I will let you be the judge to see if it was worth my time rearranging those damn words. Here's the final product:

"man I need to bust a big mean job on my dumb smelly graduate summer sorority sister"
(I think it is funnier when you read it off of a refrigerator for some odd reason)

Friday night I played laser tag under the aliases of Bolt and Serenity and went on to let a bunch of 12 year olds bring the heat straight to my wheelhouse. I did find it funny however, that the blue team was a collaboration of about ten fourteen year old blonde girls that ran around in a giant pack much like the present Kappa Kappa Gamma sorority on campus here. Saying that, there was an added sense of ecstasy when I blasted those bitches in the face. I can safely say that those young ladies will be experts in the unique craft of spreading viruses ass to mouth when their time cums. oops, what?-- pun intended. I came to another realization later when I navigated my way into the madison night life-- I hate black light parties. I don't know whether its shit luck or what, but whenever I am at one of these black light parties I am always wearing a pair of jeans that has what apears to be a stain right next to my crotch under black light. I know that there is a short list of items that show up under black light, (yes, sperm shows up on this exclusive list and I'm not ruling it out by any means). Regardless of what it is, I have obviously washed the pants numerous times just to find myself disappointed at the next black light party to see that the mystery stain has not stepped down. So that is why i hate black light parties because i spend the whole time trying to cover my "bait" stain hoping that no one calls me out like Seth's blood spot in Superbad.

This weekend has also showed me that no girl is amazing at quarters.... ok sure there are some that can hang around in a game and pass the damn shot glass, but I have yet to see a dominate bouncing fembot that bounces quarters like she puts coins in a laundry machine. After the sad display I witnessed on thursday of about 15 minutes of HORRIBLY missed shots we had to resort to soccer tactics and pulled the red card from the book and sent her off. The future looks desperately bleak, sorry girls.

I caught a quick glance at Thanksgiving last night with the elustrious potluck at the bayapalooza party which I had quite a fun time at. Another self realization here.... I am horrible at keg stands, please forgive my sad attempt for anyone who witnessed. On the contrary, Huge shout out to the other birthday boy, Bayliss, who guzzled that shit up like he enjoyed getting waterboarded by the onslaught of liquid gold. Have a happy thanksgiving everyone, I am sure that you are as excited as I am to get naturally roofied by eating turkey.


*I doubt anyone in my physics class reads this, but my psycho physics professor's book for a class he's teaching next semester about Physics and Religion is called Seeking Truth, While living with doubt. The guy is a nutjob, while talking about duality with simple harmonic motions he mentioned that duality is much like heaven and earth---- It all makes sense now, earth is a temporary hell since you're teaching that class you southern bigot.

AHHHHH BIG BOOTY BIG BOOTY BIG BOOTY...

I want to start off by congratulating the NFC North FIRST place Minnesota Vikings for their victory over the NFC North THIRD place packers in the DOME. The loss in MN has basically proven that A-Rodg and Brett Favre have finally landed a comparable common denominator; they both are excellant at sucking dick, and they both can't win in the metrodome****. On another note, with the weight of exams and schoolwork pressing us into a constant "case of the muhndays", I think I speak for us all when I say I am 100% ready for not only thanksgiving break, but winter break as well...Which brings me to my itinerary for the jolly vacation. I basically plan on spending approximately 60% of my time wasting time in a local Barnes and Noble reading/baitin' in arguably the best place to waste time on earth. I will stretch my solicitating power to the fullest until i get escorted out by force and follow up by dropping to my knees and continue to involuntarily defecate and urinate simultaneously in an act of innocence lost and expression of the first amendment. The next 10% of my time will be spent predicting plots in softcore porn videos on late night T.V. Another 10% of energy devoted to contemplating life in front of the yule log on public access T.V., 5% watching every movie in a theatre, and probably the last 15% baitin' to fill time.... GOD I CANNOT WAIT FOR BREAK. I hereby declare "All I want for Christmas is you" by the sexy Mariah Carey as the single greatest christmas song of all time. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

ASO to bitch for writing an ASO about me. SO to it not getting posted as I predicted, and finally ASO to bitch for allowing our door to get kicked in and for wasting our precious air by breathing.

**** Really, Packer fans take their Packers way too seriously.

Tubbytoast

Fuck spring vegetables. Hooray Beer, I'm very thankful tonight to be done with the first set of midterms. Amen. However, I am disappointed in my roomates for not putting forth their best effort to blog about me. I am pleased I played a colorful game of quarters with flannel (Boom Boom), which brings me to the quote of the night ----"Flannel has got some jokes." I am sad, but proud to see Ari Gold move on in the hollywood ladder and become studio head. Fuck flannel for his comment throwing down my respect for the short bus. Ground control to major Tom,

Take your protein pills and put your helmet on

. Kevin has cucumbers growing out of her ears. Bitch sucks at hockey on xbox, he will never be good at anything. Da Da da da da, da da da da daaaaaa, da da da dun nuhhh nahhh, california here we come, right back where we started from. We all need sleep in the shire and animal crackers for sure. "I was like I hate my job, I'm gonna burn this mother down" and I was like "you better not, you better not". I would like to give a shout out to the movie "Titanic" for exposing all of us out there to nudity, with an innocent PG rating you have prematurely entered us into a world of greatness that we are all thankful for (yes, even you women readers have to agree). I dedicate the song of this post to my recent addiction with the O.C. of which I have watched 11 sad, long episodes in the last two days, WOOOOOOOOOWWWW. Don't judge me on this blog please. I love you, go fuck yourselves San Diego.

"Imagination is more important than knowledge"
-Albert Einstein

Sammy Superfan

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Iceman brrrrrrr

Six people equally share the common grounds of 111 I, however there is one area in the apartment that belongs solely to one individual. Near the deep, cold caverns of the freezer is where the iceman dwells. He dominates storage by building his vast collection of frozen foods higher and higher to solidify his territory as marked, and to send a warning to all contenders that if they dare challenge him for his throne, he will cast the mightiest avalanche down upon them and they will quickly drown in a sea of frozen pizzas, chicken, and buffalo wings. The iceman keeps his hair extremely short in order to keep a consistently cool atmosphere around his thinking crown of approximately 2-3 degrees above absolute zero. Too long of a shag could cause dangerously high temperatures and could threaten the colossal frozen kingdom he has built with a catastrophic meltdown. Iceman’s illustrious dynasty began during the summer of 2007 when he lived in an industrial sized freezer at a Supervalu warehouse where frostbite caused his skin to change black, and where his blood froze and now he literally has ice flowing through his veins. When he is not busy holding his throne, the iceman tests his army tactics via call of duty 4 in a sequestered portion of his room on a small 8” television due to confidentiality of the precious material he is experimenting. The iceman is preparing for the best part of his year as winter season approaches where he can extend his dynasty out past the shallow boundaries of the freezer in 111 I. It will be no surprise to me who will be in control when hell truly does freeze over.

Ancient folklore dates Iceman's existence all the way back to when god created water for iceman to freeze.

Bitch

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Showin' (Mother of the Meathooks)

This is showin'. Graced by the hand Zeus himself at birth*, this monster is the strongest person living at 111 i north mills, bar none. Shortly after birth, doctors were awestruck at the strong meathooks he was born with instead of hands. Although he has abnormal brute strength, showin' still gets nervous when he lifts weights and usually calls upon myself to spot him while he gets his "freak" show on. Whenever I'm not available, showin' usually turns to close friend "Hicks" and usually gets his swell on playing tackle mud football shirtless in front of the serf with their other close dudes. Showin' has quite the repetoire of classes which include Ochem, fucking people up, women's studies, and meat processing and packaging-emphasis on hooking. Showin' has yet to show his superior strength to hurt any individuals in front of my eyes, but when that day comes, I invite you all to come hide under a large mountain with the hopes to hide from the forces that are sure to emerge from the depths of hell and destroy anything in its way.

-sidenote- don't thumb wrestle with his toes, his toes are stronger than your thumbs. It's been proven, You will lose.

* There has been speculation that Zeus possessed a needle and syringe filled with human growth hormone near the time of conception. Despite strong visual evidence, nothing is confirmed.

Boom Boom does Bam Bam

Over the next couple posts, I will express my view of the people I live with.

This is Boom Boom. From correcting grammar to finishing drawers*, he is very easily spotted as his large frame shines among the undersized tools that walk this campus. Some hobbies that boom enjoys include: scrabble, not showering, lounging, smoking cigarettes, drinking red dog, and playing halo. Boom is very passionate about his politics. His participation in the liberal party is quite similar to that of a third grader who is neck deep in mud from football at recess. Boom instilled fear in all the hearts of the residents of 111 I with an ulcer scare a few weeks back. I am happy to say he has made a full recovery and back to his old hobbies (see above). Even though he is packer fan, there is quite nothing like getting embraced by the bear claws that dwell south of the second amended arms he owns. If you ever need to contact boom you can probably find him doing his time honored sandstorm dance at parties, or tranquilly smoking Hookah Wednesday nights with Co.

* Asterisk denotes that the finishing of the drawer is now an event of the past since boom has stepped down from his position of finishing the drawer and no longer supports drinking of the drawer. Since boom is now done, I can safely say no one comes close to filling his shoes for finishing drawers. Last active drawer dates back to September 20, 2008 at the gracious household of 901 Oakland.

Uhgz

As the leaves turn brown, so does my heart-- towards girls that wear uggs that is. To all girls out there **NEWSFLASH** UGGS are NOT cute, they are ugly and make girls more unattractive. The sound of the name alone makes me gag, which is a shortened version of its nasty relative "ugly" . Ugliness aside, from what I hear, they are also extremely ineffective as they get drenched whenever you walk in the snow or water. So they are both ugly and useless, deeming them valid to be exterminated from the earth forever. Please, anyone who is currently wearing uggs while reading this do the world a favor; take a saw and sever your leg precisely below the kneecap and give yourself a slap on the wound in an act of self-mortification. This simple disciplinary action will save you from making the same mistake twice. I hope you learn your lesson.

and if I ever see this in public, help me god, I will sever my own legs so I would never have to share the same ground with these sad souls.

This Man is a Cunt

Part spite, and part truth has led me to hate A.J. Pierzynski more than any other baseball player on earth. He has a field presence like that of a fat 15 yr. old bully looking to get his dirty nose in any shit possible. Ontop of that, this bigot has recently bleached his gay hair blonde which solidifies his homosexuality. I hope a ray stings him in the heart like Steve Irwin.

On another note, I have discovered that riding a moped is the closest thing a human can ride in order to emulate a flying broom from Harry Potter. If Harry Potter came out of Diagon Alley right now, I would suggest riding a moped as a sub-par substitution for his electrifying Firebolt.

Brew crew and Baitin'

although I am a Twins fan, I would like to congratulate all Brewers fans around the world today as they have been relieved of the drought that has been the last 26 years. My highlight of the game was the celebration in the bullpen as if the relief pitchers were nothing more than just fans going crazy (especially McClung), since they knew they weren't going in and fucking up the masterpiece that CC painted. I also like how the Milwaukee Brewers are the only team that would celebrate with cans of miller light to complement the champagne.... Good to see the state of Wisconsin do something semi-decent this weekend. But in the mean time, inbetween time, you work your thing, I'll work mine ;)

--David Wright has a girl voice--

Worst day of sports-- ever.

After todays tragic events of a twins loss, brewers loss, and worst of all a Badgers loss to the whores from Ann Arbor, I believe the Mayan prediction of the world ending in 2012 should be moved up to present day 2008. As I post this blog, the sun sets on a broken city and seasons destroyed. I leave you in peace (little that is left) as I will now shower and wash myself clean before a much deserved night of non-remembrance.

Blog Vcard--gone.

Hello world, This blog will change the way people read online for ages. I live in a humble abode called "the shire in the city" near Madison, WI and currently tearing the city down one coastie at a time. I enjoy high fives, OranGes, peeing anywhere but in a urinals, slow motion cameras, halo, and fat chicks. I do not like clipping my nails, brown sugar, falling up stairs, Michigan, socks, bitch, and cancer. If you see me on the streets, feel free to deliver a firm slap on the ass as we cross paths. Sidenote-- I want to lay the wood on Bitch for his comments about "SCUHOME". This blog will be open to criticism/praise.... So please as the late Will Smith once said "Bring the heat for real."